I’m not good at it. I sat silent in classes during my undergraduate years, which wasn’t hard to do in big lecture halls, but I was an English major. Most of my classes were based on participation in discussions. Silence got noted. I managed because my papers were well written, and the professors were generous enough to overlook my preference not to speak. It wasn’t until graduate school, I spoke up. I had to. I was teaching courses by then. However, my trepidation never did go away. My old habits of clamming up are still here, and they play a part in why I haven’t blogged in a while. A bit of a battle rages inside, and all the physical symptoms, accelerated heart rate, sweaty palms, dry throat, butterflies in my stomach, return. Do I speak? Do I say what’s on my mind and in my heart? Do I share?

No, because it’s risky. What if I don’t say it quite right and it comes out all wrong and all stupid and I get my feelings hurt because you got your feelings hurt and we don’t like each other anymore? No, because it’s private and none of your business. No, because there’s always that sneaking suspicion you are swine and what I hold are pearls.

Yes, because sharing, even with all the anxiety-ridden buildup, once done, eases something in me. Once done, the symptoms subside. Yes, because there are connections to be made, stories to be told, experiences to be rendered on the page so that we don’t feel so isolated and alone. What if Maxine Hong Kingston refrained from sharing THE WOMAN WARRIOR? What if Louis CK never spoke of what it’s really like to be a parent? What if Chris Billing decided his film LOST SPARROW was too personal to share with the public? Yes, because writing lets me communicate in a way that I don’t get to in the usual comings and goings of daily living. Besides, what’s the use of all this pearling, if the pearls remain shelled, never to be seen, worn, touched, admired, rubbed against teeth to determine if genuine, and perhaps even tossed.

Published in: on November 22, 2011 at 11:41 am  Comments (2)  

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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Love you blogs! Miss Monday’s with Mom and all the rest. How’s your book coming along? Keep the blogs coming, I love every single one,

  2. Thank you! Mom’s back from Korea, so I’ll post one very soon. Book is done and in the hands of others. Thank you for reading. Means the world to me.

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